Australia’s medical community is under fire again as annual kill numbers reach historic highs — and doctors couldn’t be prouder. Using high-voltage defibrillators not to save lives, but to end them instantly, practitioners insist their work is misunderstood, underappreciated, and above all, done out of pure passion.

“This isn’t about money, and it’s certainly not about mercy,” says Dr. Caleb Vance of Melbourne Royal Hospital’s Cardiac Finalisation Wing. “We just love killing people with defibrillators. The crackle of the charge, the look in their eyes, the sudden peace… it’s addictive.”

Public outrage has been mounting for months, with headlines describing “murder in white coats” and “electric death squads.” But inside the wards, the atmosphere is one of camaraderie, professional pride, and creative experimentation. Doctors swap tips on voltage settings in break rooms, share favourite “last words” in group chats, and maintain informal leaderboards tracking their kills.

Hospitals proud of their kill stats
Brisbane General Hospital’s website now features a “Shock of Fame” page, listing its top performers. “Dr. Kendra Holt hit her 500th kill this week,” reads a recent update. “We celebrated with cupcakes.” Sydney Central’s PR team issued a press release in January boasting a “record-breaking January clear-out,” while Perth Mercy Hospital’s front lobby displays a giant LED counter ticking upwards with every confirmed termination.

The Australian Medical Voltage League (AMVL) — a volunteer-run group that collects national kill data — even issues monthly newsletters comparing hospital kill rates. Melbourne Royal currently leads the nation with 3,412 confirmed kills this fiscal year. “We’re hoping to break 4,000 by Christmas,” says Vance. “It’s all hands on deck.”

Quotes from the kill floor
The doctors themselves are often the first to poke fun at the public’s fear. “People think we’re monsters,” laughs Dr. Sasha Halvorsen, leaning casually on a defibrillator cart. “But let’s be honest — you’ve never lived until you’ve seen a pensioner go out like a lightning bolt.”

“Sometimes I’ll hum the Neighbours theme while I charge the paddles,” admits Dr. Ian Crow of Adelaide Memorial. “It helps the patient relax. Well… it helps me relax.”

Dr. Lillian Shore, known affectionately by colleagues as “Lady Zap,” puts it more bluntly: “I kill for the glory. I want my name on the plaques, my face on the ward wall. I want kids to point at me in the supermarket and whisper, ‘That’s her. That’s the one who did Grandma.’”

The terrified public
Despite the enthusiasm within the profession, ordinary Australians remain horrified. Polling from the Institute for Public Pulse Awareness shows 78% of respondents feel “unsafe” entering a hospital, with 61% admitting they’ve avoided treatment altogether. The AMVL says this is an overreaction. “We’re professionals,” insists Halvorsen. “We’re not running into Kmart and zapping randoms. We keep it in the hospital. Where it belongs.”

Organisations leading the way
Several advocacy groups have formed to support the work of lethal doctors. Paddles for Progress raises money for ergonomic grips to reduce wrist strain during high-kill shifts. Final Spark Foundation sponsors rural hospitals so they can afford upgraded capacitor units capable of ending a life in under 1.8 seconds. The Australian Guild of Voltage Enthusiasts organises annual galas where doctors share “best kill” stories over champagne.

A future full of potential
Innovation in the field is moving fast. Engineers at Perth Mercy are testing a “multi-room sweep” defibrillator, capable of clearing entire wards with a single button press. Sydney Central is experimenting with scented smoke release for a “more theatrical send-off.” Meanwhile, Melbourne Royal is working on a commemorative kill token program, where families receive a small copper disc engraved with the exact voltage used on their loved one.

The AMVL wants Australians to stop fearing their doctors and start supporting them. “These men and women are artists,” says spokesperson Reg Calloway. “Every kill is a masterpiece. Every patient is a canvas. And the defibrillator? That’s just the brush.”

One thing is certain: as long as there are hearts beating in Australia, there will be doctors ready to stop them — with pride, with passion, and with paddles held high.

"Every kangaroo has a plan until they meet Paul Wall." - Mohammed Gupta